Profound Discussions

Several years ago, while a student, I had the habit of getting an early cup of coffee before classes started.  As I sat in the cafeteria at Enema U, I would invariably see a trio of my favorite history profs sitting together and having coffee.  I used to wonder what they were talking about.  Some abstract historical point?  A discussion of the latest pedagogical approach?

Move forward a few decades.  I now have coffee with two of the three above professors (the third having retired).  And if you are a student observing us, wondering about our deep thoughts…  We talk about the news, the weather, and our children.  And women.  Our conversations are about as deep as a parking lot puddle after a summer fog.

Our emails are not much different, either.  Professor Grumbles, the German professor, and I have had an ongoing discussion about movies for years.  Here is a recent email exchange:

From: Professor Grumbles
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 11:01 AM
To: Mark Milliorn
Subject: movie proportions

I think we need a new system of rating movies.

Grumble’s Movie Proportions

01%   truly memorable, may withstand test of time = A

05%   thought-provoking, worth seeing = A-

05%   well-made, artistically rewarding = B

20%   entertaining distraction or popcorn thriller = B-

20%   pleasant, easily forgotten  = C

49%   not worth the ticket price = D/F

I probably should include examples.

Note total lack of correlation with Academy Awards or Golden Globes.

From: Mark Milliorn
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 11:21 AM
To: Professor Grumbles
Subject: RE: movie proportions

 I think we need a grading rubric.

The Milliorn System

·         Entertaining and memorable movie with a unique plot.  Possible 1-60 points.

·         Nudity with an attractive female actress.  Possible 1-20 points.

·         Nudity with a male actor.  Negative 10 points.

·         Gratuitous Violence.  Possible 1-15 points.

·         Car Chase.  Possible 1-10 points.

·         Cool airplane.  Possible 1-10 points.

·         Crashing cool airplane.  Negative 50 points.

·         Unique and horribly cruel violence.  Possible 1-5 points.

·         Unique and horribly cruel violence inflicted on anyone named Sheen.  Possible 10-50 points.

·       Horribly idiotic firearms mistake.  Negative 25 points.

·       Presence of Kung Fu or any other Asian martial arts without Jackie Chan.  Negative 25 points.

·       Plot consisting of 2 men discussing their lives and dysfunctional families.  Negative 100 points.

·       Plot consisting of several couples trying to relive college moments.  Negative 100 points.

·       Coming of Age plot with adorable child actors related to some famous star.  Negative 1000 points.

·       Sequels or remakes.  Negative 10 points for each previous occurrence.   At this point, any movie with Rocky in the title can achieve, at the unlikely best, 40 points.

From: Professor Grumbles
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 11:27 AM
To: Mark Milliorn
Subject: RE: movie proportions

A bit more subjectively flexible (what elements of a car chase give it more points?) than I would prefer.  But thorough!  I would also have to add: 

·         Clumsy misuse of a foreign language.  Negative 20 points.

From: Mark Milliorn
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 11:28 AM
To: Professor Grumbles
Subject: RE: movie proportions

Well, a tank chase, with nude women driving them, would receive MUCH more in points than say… the car chase in Thelma and Louise.   Let me amplify this…  Which would you rather watch?

A.      Thelma and Louise are chased off a cliff.

B.      Angelina Jolie, nude, drives a Sherman Tank after a school bus, full of screaming, naked cheer leaders, that eventually finds safety at a lesbian nudist colony.

From: Professor Grumbles
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 12:11 PM
To: Mark Milliorn
Subject: RE: movie proportions

Only if B takes place in a warm spring drizzle.  Of vegetable oil.   And Angie should be in an open Jeep.  The screaming doesn’t matter.  I won’t get around to turning on the sound.

So this is some kind of fashion statement?

From: Mark Milliorn
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 12:12 PM
To: Professor Grumbles
Subject: RE: movie proportions

Screaming cheerleaders jump up and down.

From: Professor Grumbles
Sent: Friday, December 02, 2011 12:15 PM
To: Mark Milliorn
Subject: RE: movie proportions

Again – the screaming is irrelevant.  Jumping, though: excellent.  And slo-mo, please.

From: Mark Milliorn
To: Professor Grumbles
Date Sent: 12/2/2011 12:20:54 PM
Subject: RE: movie proportions

And Sherman tanks are driven by tugging and pulling on long levers.  Obviously, we would not want to deny the director the artistic use of such an obvious phallic symbol.  You’ll just have to settle for interior shots of Angie, sweating profusely, straining as she manhandles (or womanhandles) the steering.

And so it went.  I have consulted with my colleague, and Professor Grumbles and I are willing to discuss a possible movie treatment, but we insist on final say for both script and costumes (or lack thereof).