Saturday, January 19, 2019

You Can Count On It


My purchase was $1.17, I handed the clerk $20 and she promptly told me my change was $17.83, while handing me $21.83.  When I told her she had made a mistake, she gave me a blank look and pointed at the display on the cash register display.


There were no customers in line behind me, so I spent the next couple of minutes attempting to teach her how to count back change, an arcane skill that seems to have vanished a generation ago, along with manners, common sense, and the ability to use turn signals.

My attempt failed.  It became apparent that whatever amount the cash register told her to return, she would trustingly count it out as best she could.  I gave up, asked her if she could give me two tens for a five, collected my money and left the store.

The problem is that most people today have a horribly declining sense of numeracy—the ability to understand numbers and to use simple math to solve problems in everyday life.  (Or, to use an analogy, numeracy is the math version of literacy). 

A basic general understanding of numbers seems to be slipping from our society, and there is ample proof of this.  Take, for example, the latest internet meme rapidly spreading across social media—that a recent audit revealed that the Defense Department had misplaced funds.   I’m not going to give any detail since I would hate to inadvertently spread this nonsense any further, but the amount mentioned is more than the total budget for the Defense Department for the entirety of the 20th Century!

Anthropologists have recorded many societies whose entire number system was limited to ‘one’, ‘two’, and ‘many’.  These were societies whose levels of technology had never advanced to the point where larger numbers were ever needed.

For some reason, lately the idea that ‘one, two, many’ societies ever actually existed has become politically incorrect.  According to a few nagging nitpickers, such notions are not only factually incorrect, but are proof of some form of racism or cultural insensitivity.  I would apologize…were it not for the fact that a few of these cultures can still be found.  The language of the Walpiri of Australia have no words for numbers higher than two, while the vocabulary of the Pirah√£ of the Amazon Basin contains no words for any abstract concept.  They have no words for numbers, colors, or any way of discussing the past or the future.  (As I write this, it occurs to me that this describes my interactions with both my grandchildren and my cat.)

Most languages, including English, contain linguistic evidence of a time when our own number sense was also limited to ‘one, two, many’.  Consider the words for our cardinal numbers versus our ordinal numbers:

one – first
two – second
three – third
four – fourth
five – fifth
six – sixth

Obviously, after the first two, the words for the ordinal numbers were based on the words for the cardinal numbers, indicating that these words were developed later.  This example remains valid for several other languages.  Here are the same words in Spanish:

uno – primera
dos – segunda
tres – tercera
quatro – cuarto
cinco – quinta
seis – sexta

Despite our expanded vocabulary, we still have trouble understanding and using numbers, particularly large numbers.  You can prove this with a simple experiment that will annoy your friends.  Ask them to tell you how many miles away the moon is from the earth.  Then ask them how much further the sun is from earth.  There is almost no chance that anyone over the age of ten has not heard the correct numbers, but do they really understand the answer?  (The answer is roughly a quarter of million miles to the moon, and about 400 times that to the sun.)

A better way to illustrate our uncomfortableness with numbers can be illustrated with Mt. Everest.  As soon as the British learned of the mountain, originally named Kangchenjunga, Nepalese for Five Treasuries of the Great Snow, the curiosity to measure the height of the mountain drove the British crazy.  Starting in 1840, George Everest began the arduous task of actually measuring a remote mountain.

Note.  George Everest was opposed to renaming the mountain, and in part, got his wish.  His pronunciation of his last name, "Eve-Rest", is used today by absolutely no one.

Carrying a 1,200 pound theodolite (think of a big telescope merged with a compass) up and down the frozen Himalayas eventually ruined George’s health, but his work was continued by Andrew Waugh and John Armstrong.  After taking careful measurements from multiple locations, in 1852, they were able to accurately calculate the height of the mountain—that Waugh insisted on renaming after his former boss—as exactly 29,000 feet above sea level.

29,000?  Exactly 29,000?

Waugh and Armstrong knew that no one would believe their measurement was anything but an estimate.  If you have spent over a decade in the freezing cold of the Himalayas, waiting for the weather to clear just long enough to take a telescope reading, all the while living in a rotting tent with spoiled food and contaminated water, the last thing you want is for the entire world to take your work as a crude, rough estimate. 

If the world will not believe you when you say the mountain is 29,000 feet tall, you simply add two feet to the number and report it as 29,002 feet above sea level.  No one at the various geographical societies that sponsored the expedition ever questioned the number.

While the height reported may have been bogus, the number remained the official height for more than half a century.  Even today, it is not uncommon to find books or articles that still report the mountain’s height as 29,002 feet.  And slightly altering the official record had another real advantage:  Not only is 29,002 feet a more believable number, but technically, it means that Andrew Waugh and John Armstrong were the first men to put two feet on the top of Mount Everest.

Eat your heart out, Sir Edmund Hillary.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Academic Hoax II


After a massive federal investigation lasting two years and costing the taxpayers millions of dollars, it was revealed today that the popular social media site, LinkedOut, was actually a hoax perpetrated by two history professors at Enema U.  Investigators revealed that though the company was supposedly a publicly traded organization, in reality there were only two stockholders, and the company had no actual revenue and no employees. 

Though millions of users all over the world were signed onto the service in hopes of securing job references or actual employment offers, there is no evidence that anyone ever secured an actual job by using the service.  Worse, there was no evidence that any potential employer had even visited the site, much less read the artificially constructed elaborate work histories of the users.

When questioned, the two professors, Dr. Holland and Dr. Adams, explained that the service started out as a practical joke against a colleague.  Both were genuinely surprised when the service ‘went viral’.

As Dr. Holland explained, “Originally, it was just a joke we were playing on old Dr. Matray.  The senile bastard just sat in his office all day avoiding students and writing us hate mail, so we came up with a way to inundate him with requests for reference letters.  For weeks, we would sit around at the end of the day and make up fake names and ask him to join “our professional network”.  Then, we noticed that a few of the students were joining.”

“For the first year, the only people using the service to find a new job were Liberal Arts majors and former White House employees.  Then we noticed that people we had never heard of were asking to link with us.”

“But, then it really snowballed,” Dr. Holland continued.  “Everyone was taking it seriously, despite the fact that the whole idea was stupid.  We knew we had lost control when half the inmates at the local prison signed up as ‘security consultants’.”

When investigators started looking into the service, there were numerous warning signs, one of which was that the service was completely ignored by the world’s hackers, and the server had never been breached by a single foreign government.

"It was obvious that no one was interested in it," commented one federal investigator.  "The security on the site was total crap, but no one even tried to hack it.  I've seen the Chinese hack the webpages of a retirement home for school cafeteria workers, but they couldn't have cared less about LinkedOut.  Hell, the master login password was the word ‘password’.  The only mention of LinkedOut we could find in Russia was a small review in a computer magazine that listed it as the world’s worst dating service.”

When investigators showed up at the university, it took some time to locate the server hosting the fraudulent service. 

“When we questioned Dr. Adams about the secret location of the server, he claimed it was on public display and that everyone knew about it.  In actuality, we found it in a darkened corner of the basement of the history building, in an abandoned lavatory.  The sign on the door said, ‘Beware of the leopard’.”

This is not the first practical joke involving Professor Holland that has gotten nationwide attention.  A decade ago, Dr. Holland, now a finalist for the position of Provost at Enema U, gained notoriety for a hoax involving a biography of a bogus American President.  Even today, many history books still refer to the fictitious President Benjamin Harrison.

Despite the fact that the service is obviously a fraud, Federal authorities have decided not to shut down the site. 

"The deceptions of the LinkedOut Service are nothing compared to the lies told by the users," said one investigator, who wished to remain anonymous.  "For fun, we followed individual users across all of their social media sites.  On LinkedOut, they were dedicated and highly skilled workers.  On FaceBook, their boss was an idiot who didn’t appreciate their suggestions.  On Twitter, they were drunk in a bathtub.  Their Instagram account showed new body piercings while SnapChat had a photo of what their dog left on the neighbor’s lawn.  Compared to the users, these two professors are angels.” 

"It's not like the people involved would have been doing anything useful.  If they hadn’t been lying on this site, they would have just been posting more cat videos."