Saturday, February 26, 2011

Now… That’s Entertainment!

Is it just me, or do you find a lot of today’s popular entertainment rather boring? Movies are lackluster lately. Hollywood is so mentally bankrupt they are reduced to remaking John Wayne movies and an endless stream of duds featuring comic book superheroes. Even at that, movies are better than television. I cannot even pretend to have an interest in shows such as Law And Order: The Jay Walkers.

This weekend the Oscars will be on TV, but I’m not going to watch, in part because I won’t recognize any of those people. The men will be as carefully slovenly as their expensive tuxedo will allow while the women will be emaciated stick figures. I guess it’s a sure sign of middle age when a man looks at blonde starlet and his first thought is to feed her a cheese burger before she dies of starvation.

The Oscars have been boring for years; the worst part is usually the endless speeches where people thank all the little people that no one, including the speaker, gives a hot damn about. I might watch if just once, someone would say, “I’m not going to thank you since I deserve this, I worked my skinny little ass off for it and it’s mine, all mine. If you idiots had the brains God gave bait, you would have given me this damn gilded door stop last year.”

Sell Art OnlineMaybe they could change the awards categories. “Nominated for the Best Cleavage in a Role Requiring No Talent is …” No, that wouldn’t work, Scarlett Johanssen would win every year.

Barring improvements like these, the producers could still liven up the show easily enough. How about wiring the seats so that when they announce the winner, all the losers spontaneously combust? Or perhaps you could determine the winner with a caged mud wrestling match? Hell, I’d watch that. At least until a rerun of Top Gear came on.

I have a similar problem with most sports. It’s no fun to watch a game when you can no longer even remotely identify with any of the players. Take football, for example: I have very little in common, other than our species, with a 300 pound man so altered by steroids that he resembles my pickup. DuPont used to have an advertising slogan, “Better living through chemistry.” Somebody took this slogan a little too seriously.

Naturally, I have a few suggestions designed to improve the game. Now this is important, because I work for a football team with a small university attached. Our team has been losing money faster than Congress, and if this condition continues, the school might have to do away with the students in order to save money.

First, we need to speed up the game visually. I think the wide receivers should be on mini-bikes. This should get them down field a little faster. Next, I think both the offensive and defensive line should be in armor. Give them the type of armor worn during the days of King Arthur. Nothing drastic--no swords, no shields--just bright shiny armor with plumed helmets.

Obviously, this will put the quarterback at something of a disadvantage, since getting sacked by a human refrigerator wearing a galvanized trash can might sting a trifle. I admit this is a little unfair for the quarterback, so we will need to balance the odds out a little by giving him a Colt .45 automatic. We don’t want to overdo it, so we only give him a single clip per half. That’s only 14 shots per game, so he he’ll have to be a little conservative. I doubt most offensive linesmen these days can be dropped by a single shot of any caliber.

For a little fan participation, before the game starts, one lucky fan for each team will be randomly selected and be allowed to hide a single land mine somewhere on the playing field. I thought of adding a few sniper rifles, but we don’t want the game to get out of hand, after all; it will be televised.

Can you imagine the game? With both lines ready and glistening in highly polished armor, the ball is snapped to the quarterback, who fades back while the two lines slam into each other with a crash like two freight trains having sex. The receivers roar down the field on their dirt bikes, the tires throwing up a rooster tail of dirt. A single offensive linesman breaks through the defenders and clanks towards the quarterback, who, while he eyes the field for an open receiver, raises his .45 and drops the linesman just seconds before throwing the ball downfield. The receiver, looking back over his shoulder, is about to catch the ball when, BLAM! He disappears in a cloud of dirt and smoke as his bike hits a land mine. Pass incomplete!

Now, that’s a game. I might even buy season tickets.

Naturally, when the game is over, the losing coach is hanged from a goal post and the winning team has their way with the opposing team’s cheerleaders.

I haven’t yet finished my idea for the half-time show, but I’m working on an idea where both bands march at the same time, but we add flame throwers.

1 comment:

  1. After hearing that NMSU holds a NCAA losing streak, has not been to a bowl game since the early sixties and since i have transferred here won like 5 games, i thought of a good idea that should at least make things interesting: never punt the ball, never kick a field goal and run the clock as much as you can through a simple hand off, and a screen pass. 4 downs to go ten yards, i know we will not be Ohio State etc but jesus give me a scholarship and i will catch the ball everytime behind the line of scrimmage and try my damnedest to take it more than 2.5 yards, maybe just lateral the ball back as many times etc. The student body largely knows we are going to suck after the opener, its expected is gameplay like this, and could at least make things interesting to go to a free game.