I have to admit to being a news junkie. Being addicted to the news and owning a Tivo is like living in a state that has legalized drugs. I’m over-dosing. I watch all the stations, all the news programs, and see shows from multiple countries. As near as I can figure out, there are about four different countries called the United States governed by several different presidents, at least one of whom appears to be an Indonesian/Hawaiian-born Muslim Kenyan who is a practicing free-market communist, who hates guns but murders some little animal known as skeet—or something—the story changes constantly.
All of this makes me an expert in politics. Television has taught me that an expert is anyone with an advanced degree from out of town. I qualify, and as an expert I have some badly needed suggestions for both major parties.
Democrats—You need to stop saying you have created any new jobs. Jobs are created by the private sector, usually in spite of the government. In particular, you need to stop saying that you have created 6.5 million jobs. This is true ONLY if you do not mention either the number of jobs that have been lost or the number of new people who have entered the job market.
Perhaps the Enema U football team should follow this example. We will just brag about the touchdown we produced in the game—not the five touchdowns the opposing team scored.
And please, stop telling us the number of people who have quit looking for jobs and thus are no longer part of the workforce. If everyone in the country quit working except Hobo Joe, my gardener, would this mean we had 100% employment?
Republicans—Please stop saying that your opposition to Gay Marriage is a God-inspired mandate to protect traditional marriage. If you really want traditional marriage, let's go back to the Old Testament. This would not only allow polygamy, but if a man's brother dies, it would require him to marry his sister-in-law. Also, I have always felt a little cheated—my wife’s dowry did not include a single goat.
Do NOT say that you hate the sin and love the sinner. You don't, just admit that gay people scare the shit out of you. If you are irrationally afraid of spiders and gay people, we won't make you play with either. Until we can come up with an effective 12 Step Program to ease your fears, let's make a deal: why don’t you just pretend that gay marriages are like your assault weapons. If you don't like them, you don't have to get one.
Democrats—Stop calling “taxes” by the incredibly silly name of “contributions.” Contributions are something you give voluntarily. Taxes are something you collect with either force or the threat of force. Taxation is inherently an act of violence. If you don’t believe me, just make paying taxes a voluntary and patriotic activity for one year. I don’t so much mind that you are taking my money by force as I do your ridiculous notion that it was my idea.
Republicans—Stop giving President Obama a hard time about using drones. Personally, I don’t like drones and wish they had never been invented, but can you not see the hypocrisy of advocating almost unlimited private gun ownership while opposing the use of unmanned weapons? And I have to admit, if I were President, I’d use drones on the morons who use handicap stickers to get a good parking spot at the gym.
Democrats—Yes, Republicans do want to kill Early Childhood Education—mainly because the program simply does not work. Students have been tracked for years and by the time they reach junior high school, there is no appreciable difference in their test scores from students who did not go through the program. Think about it, if the program really worked, by now there would be such demonstrable benefits that parents everywhere would demand it. So why does a failed program survive? Because anyone who wants to eliminate it can easily be painted as an evil prick who wants to cancel Christmas. So kill the program and use the money for some useful educational purpose—like a three team version of football. This should make everyone happy; the new triangular playing field will require the construction of all new—and bigger—stadiums.
Republicans—Give up on abortion. Actually, don’t run five miles out in the desert and even whisper the damn word to a jackrabbit. It is over and you lost. The longer you whine about it, the more you resemble a toothless hillbilly who claims the South will rise again. Come to think of it, that is your base.
Look on the bright side. If only the Democrats get abortions and the Republicans don’t, it won’t matter that you have alienated gays, Hispanics, women, immigrants, and Blacks. In only a few centuries, your party will outnumber everyone else and will once again be a serious contender in a national election.
Democrats—Please stop changing the language just to be politically correct. We will all agree to stop calling them “illegal immigrants” if you will just let us call them “unregistered Democrats.”
Republicans—Stop nattering about marijuana. It is not a gateway drug, you cannot overdose on it, it has fewer permanent harmful side effects than oatmeal cookies, and most Nobel prize-winning scientists admit to having used it. What are you worried about? George Washington grew marijuana in his personal garden. Would the nation really be better off today if he had been busted for it before the revolution?
Both Parties--Stop telling me that polls support your opinions. Have you learned nothing from the last election? If polls were accurate, right now, everyone but President Romney would be drinking New Coke. Polls tell us very little except the political opinions of the people doing the poll. If you let me pick the wording of the survey question, I can prove that most Americans want to have sex with porcupines.
And both of you—Stop calling the other party the party of NO. Both of you have done your share of blocking votes and appointments while the other party was in power. And in the long run, it doesn’t really matter—this country is not in trouble for the things you blocked—we are in trouble for the things to which you said YES. Congress needs to stop acting like a drunken sixteen year old girl on prom night before the entire economy is knocked up.
And for The Press—Stop reporting anything about North Korea. When spoiled children have tantrums, you should either ignore them or throw them in the pool. I've done both, but the latter only works well in winter.