Springtime At Enema U

Ahh!  It is early springtime here in Southern New Mexico.  Actually, today is Valentine’s Day.  You can tell because here at Enema U, large corporations have set up tables in the Studentless Center in order to hand out condoms and sample packages of personal lubricants.  There is actually a sign that reads, “If You Are Gonna Love, Wear A Glove!”

Forty-something years ago, and at a university far, far away, I believe I bought The Doc, my wife, a hideous chrysanthemum liberally sprinkled with glitter.  That gift was probably more romantic, but certainly less practical.

It is hard to believe that the semester is already nearing the halfway point.  You can slowly see the rising levels of panic in the eyes of students as they suddenly realize that they no longer remember why they choose “Waste Disposal Systems in Nigeria” as the topic of their research projects.  The panic deepens when they discover that our library possesses only two books that even mention Nigeria (neither mentions waste disposal) and that both have already been colored by the football team.

And then there are the pale, wide-eyed faces of the seniors who realize they are just a few short weeks away from the prospect of semi-permanent unemployment.  You can almost see these students thinking, "Why did I major in the History of Reality Television?"  (The answer of course is because the math requirement was a single course: "Hooray For Numbers".).

And this is the time of the year when even the administration begins making changes.  Since only half the classrooms are currently under construction, even more are targeted for remodeling.  Since the first half are not finished....this means that there is a severe shortage of new space for administrative offices.

Someone good at math--evidently someone who got a degree that actually resulted in employment--figured out that if the current rate of growth in the number of people employed as administrators continues, in just another 100 years Enema U will qualify as a new Third World Country.  

Many of the new offices will come from slowly moving the emeritus faculty out of offices they have been occupying for the last several decades into their new offices over in Oubliette Hall.    You might be surprised to learn that retired faculty still have offices at the University, but it is true.  In some cases it is because the faculty are still very productive in their research.  However, in most cases it is because the offices these faculty members occupy are no longer considered suitable for any other use.  (And in at least a few cases, the only thing protecting the occupants of the building from asbestos-laden tile floors is the thick layer of slowly composting term papers dating back to the Korean War.).

There will be little opposition to such moves from the current faculty (at least not until next month when the administration decides it needs their office space).  The problem with most faculty--our little hot-house flowers--is that they demand to be treated like orchids, while in reality, the blooming idiots behave like weeds.  At most, there will be a brief argument over who gets their filing cabinet or a now empty bookcase, but sadly, no sense of loss for a colleague of decades.

This, of course, reminds me of an old story that hasn't happened, yet.  One day, the Vice President Of Student Inarticulation was walking down the the corridor of Prokynesis Hall, the Administration Building.  As he passed the open door of one of the Associate Deans, he couldn't help but notice that the man was sitting at his desk, just crying his eyes out.

"Bob, what's the matter?'

Bob lifted his face from his hands and looked up at his friend.  Still sobbing, he could just barely find the voice to whisper.

"My student died."