Texas Congressmen Bob and Ted were discouraged by the recent
election. While both were reelected,
they had won their districts by only the slimmest of margins. Equally bad, the exit polls were horrible and
plainly, the voters were disenchanted with politicians in general, and believed
that Washington was out of touch.
"I know what we can do," said Congressman Bob. "We need to reconnect with the
people—show them that we are one of them, that we understand them."
"How do we do that?" asked Congressman Ted. "We don't know any of those people. Hell, do we even know anybody who knows those
people?"
"That's why we have aides," Congressman Bob said. "Little people know lots of other little
people."
Two weeks later, both politicians walked into a bar in Santo,
Texas. Both men were wearing freshly
pressed new Levi's, shirts with more shiny buttons than an Italian sports car,
and freshly polished boots with the jeans cuffs tucked in. Congressman Bob was leading a large dog on a
leash.
The bar became quiet as everyone in the bar stopped and turned to
look at the two politicians.
"Howdy! Bob and I just
wanted to stop and see what is going on along the Brazos River. And I'm buying the first round of
beers."
Few things will make you friends faster in a bar than a fat wallet,
and in only a few minutes, there were abundant smiles as the two politicians
made their way around the bar, shaking hands and slapping backs.
Over in the far corner, the two old cowboys were finishing off a
couple of plates of catfish and tater tots.
After gratefully accepting the beers, they continued their meal and kept
a wary eye on the two politicians as they worked their way around the room.
"Did you vote for either of those two polecats?" asked
Kent.
"Yes, but I wish you hadn't reminded me. I'm eating," Mike answered. "Pass the Tabasco sauce. The one with the dog is our congressman, the
other one represents Arlington, I think."
Kent handed the familiar bottle to the other cowboy and watched as
Mike liberally spiced up his tater tots.
"Most people use ketchup for that," he said.
Mike put the lid back on the bottle and replied, "This is
ketchup. Texas Ketchup. And I didn't say anything to you when you
drowned that poor fish in vinegar."
"Had to use vinegar--the lemons here are as dry as the
Panhandle in June. What do you suppose
these two idiots want? I don't trust
people that smile that much."
Mike looked over at the two politicians. "Aw, they're just probably trying to
prove they understand our problems. I
wonder who ironed and starched those jeans," he said.
Kent glanced at the two men and then said, "I wonder where they
rented the dog."
Mike set his fork down on the edge of his almost empty plate and
leaned back in his booth. "Do you
remember that county commissioner we used to have? Rawther or Ransome? Every four years, he'd drive around in this
old ratty station wagon and shake hands.
I guess he didn't think we were smart enough to remember that in between
elections he drove a new Mercedes. I
wonder whose barn he kept that wagon in when he wasn't campaigning."
Kent finished a long pull at his beer
and answered, "Oh, he didn't keep that in a barn. No, that was his mother's car. The one without the dog--isn’t that the guy who told us about two
elections back that the biggest problem facing America was flag burning?"
“Yeah,
that’s him,” Mike
said. “He convinced me,
too. I think every flag in the nation
should have a built-in incendiary device so that the flag automatically catches
fire when a politician is wrapped up in it.”
Laughing, Kent answered, “And they both claim they have brought jobs to Texas. How two men who have never had a real job
between them can believe they have created any jobs is beyond me.”
About then the two politicians made their way to the two cowboy’s
table. Bob and Ted immediately shook
hands with both of the two cowboys and started in telling them just how much
they had had done for this area, how much they had done for ranching...and all
the while the two old cowboys were wondering just how polite they had to be in
exchange for two free beers.
Ted was just in the middle of expanding on his plans for the great
things he and his party were going to do in the future when the front door of
the bar opened and a man walked in, stopped and looked around the room until he
spotted the two men. He promptly walked
over, squatted behind the dog and lifted its tail. Staring intently at the south end of a north
facing dog, the man grunted, lowered the tail and walked off.
Bob interrupted Ted.
"What in tarnation was that man doing? That's the third time tonight some fool has
walked over and without so much as a hello, has lifted the tail of that poor
dog, stared at its butt for a while, then stomped off. What the hell is going on? Is this some kind of a joke?"
Mike looked at Kent, who simply shrugged and shook his head. Mike shifted slightly in his seat to look
directly at Congressman Bob.
"Well, Congressman, it's like this. Santo is a small place and you two have been
in here for at least half an hour. By
now, the word is probably out all over town."
"I can understand them wanting to meet us," said the
Congressman. "But why are they
bothering the dog?"
Mike looked at Kent and said, "Your turn."
Kent appeared distinctly uncomfortable but looked up from the booth
at the Congressmen and said, "No. I
don't think you understand. They've heard there was a dog in here with two assholes and they just wanted to check
for themselves."
That one must hold some kind of record for the longest setup of a punchline in, if not history itself, at least blogging history. Congratulations. Nice touch putting the foreshadowing in the picture rather than in the title. This one was unique in using Julie Andrews and the Austrian Alps to set up a joke about Texas Politicians.
ReplyDeleteIn the Texas Constitution we wisely prohibit these clowns from meeting all the time to do violence to us through legislation. We send them to Austin for a few months every couple of years to hang with the Travis County Democrats (we keep our Democrats mostly in colonias like Austin, Houston and Brownsville where we can keep an eye on them) just to give them a little perspective. When the legislature is not in session which is more often than not, we insist they go home and actually work out of their local offices. This way they'll be in range where we can shoot at them if they've gotten too deeply into our business while they were in Austin. It's a pretty good system.