Saturday, October 10, 2009

Missionaries, the Other White Meat

Missionaries devote their lives to selfless sacrifice and working for a higher power. Naturally, I hate them.

And why shouldn’t I? Instead of them bothering poor helpless people in some jungle where if they don’t behave themselves the natives could at least eat them, I usually see missionaries when they stand at my front door. I really wouldn’t mind the intrusion if I, too, were given the option of slow roasting the more obnoxious.

Sadly, the local gentle customs will not even allow me to chase them from my yard with a garden hose. If you think about it, this isn’t fair to the missionary, either. Missionaries have a God given right to be eaten by natives, and I firmly believe that we should oblige them. Without the risk of suddenly becoming part of a balanced diet, a missionary turns into nothing more than a Mary Kay lady with an empty sample case.

Have you ever considered exactly what these people are doing when they show up at your home? You are minding your own business, in your own home when uninvited guests intrude on your privacy by ringing your doorbell. You open the door to discover a pair of slack-jawed yokels who appear to be about as mentally acute as empty buckets.

Next, the pair of them begin to explain to you that your moral philosophy, your sense of ethics, in short the personal code that makes you who you are, is wrong. More importantly, you must adopt their views as your own. At this point, in any truly civilized society, a garden hose would be required by law.

A missionary doesn’t know anything about you; for all he knows, you may belong to the same faith, might even go to the same church. All he really knows for certain is that you are wrong while he is right.

What makes missionaries so certain they are correct while you are completely ignorant? It is not because they have achieved any great success in any realm of their own personal life. No, most missionaries are convinced they alone are morally and spiritually gifted because either they were chosen by God himself to be born into the one true faith, or they have discovered it within the last six months.

My university has various missionaries that arrive annually as the weather pushes them south for the winter. Where Capistrano has swallows, and Hinckley has their buzzards, we have Reverend Jed, the prodigal moron. Reverend Jed is passionate about preaching his personal version of holy hatred, a message that he delivers at campuses around the country.

Several years ago, as I leaving the classroom, I found Reverend Jed surrounded by my students. This particular day his sermon was on the various evils of women. He pointed a long, bony finger at me and screamed, “Women in pants are an abomination!”

“Absolutely,” I agreed. “Women should be removed from their pants whenever possible.”

Of course, this doesn’t faze a missionary. Anyone who has regular communication from his very own personal imaginary friend cannot be bothered with reality. When you are on a holy mission, people expect you to have the manners of a steamroller and the empathy of a plague.

This is what is so scary about a missionary. Did you ever notice that if you admit to hearing voices, they label you a schizophrenic? But if those voices are God speaking only to you, you’re just being pious.

Why is it that when God gives these people personal instructions, they always seem to be such self serving, if not loony, orders? I have a suggestion; if you think you hear God talking directly to you, perhaps you should ask for a written confirmation, or at the very least, wait for the burning bush. If there really is a spiritual and heavenly message system, I suspect some people are only reading their spam mail.

Years ago, I worked out a foolproof tactic to deal with the missionaries who come to my door. Invite them into your house, sit them in the living room, and offer them a cold beer; as long as there are two or more of them, they’ll refuse. Don’t accidentally make this offer to a single missionary, you’ll quickly run out of beer.

Then drag up a chair and sit next to one of them. Invade their personal space, get as close as possible while you stare into their eyes. And most importantly, before they can start their spiel, you say; “Have you ever considered the inner peace and infinite joy that could be yours if you would just accept Satan into your life?”

It is very unlikely you will see them again.


  1. You will rot in hell. Missionarys are doing the Lords work. I will pray for you.

  2. Oh wow Anonymous, had you any real faith, you would have stood up for your comments and put your real name instead of doing a drive-by commenting. But I understand since one is not suppose to judge, being anonymous means what you say doesn't stick to you. Oh by the way, missionary meat is a little plain, but with a little black pepper and steak sauce with a baked potato makes it an excellent and nutritious meal.

  3. However strongly anonymous feels about their faith, I'm agog that they are willing to say ALL missionsaries are doing the Lord's work. By your logic, an evil person or scam artist are doing the lords work as long as they fall under the title of missionary. Personally, I feel that people like Mark mentions in this blog are often giving people with good intentions a bad name...and anyone who forgets what the Bible says- let God judge- and takes judgement into their own hands ("you will rot in hell") is is severely misled. If you want to get people to know the gospel, be a good (i.e. reasonable) example rather than forceful, irrational and quick to damn everyone who doesn't think exactly like you. Does anyone agree, especially any Christians?

  4. I agree with ImplodingVoice and Charlie there. If you want to base your life on a collection of middle-eastern campfire tales and Roman political letters, that's ok. just keep it to your damned self!

  5. I have to add a leg to everyone's comment. Not only that anonymous, but you might want to recruit a missionary to help you with your spelling. Pray for that.

  6. I don't think you understand, I want the whole missionary eaten, not just a leg.

    Thank you, Charles for the recipe. What whine would you serve with long pork?

  7. Love the graphic! Srsly. And of course the obnoxious missionaries knocking on your door actually have much more business doing what they are doing where they are doing it, than Sarah Palin types who use their vacations to do "mission trips" in Africa and India.