Saturday, March 3, 2012

Educational Embarkation

The budgetary crisis of New Mexico finally sifted down the budgetary maze of state government until it has reached that branch of bureaucracy heretofore known as the Department of Higher Education.  From now on, we will just refer to them as those Bozos in Santa Fe.   For years, the formulae by which universities have been funded was been based on the number of students enrolled in our classes.  If more students take biology than journalism, the biology department is allowed more funds (assuming the football department doesn’t need them) than Journalism.

Similarly, if more students go to Enema University than the Southwest School of Livestock Grooming, then… well, actually, the money will either go the school with the biggest sports program or to school in the home town of the state senator who introduced the governor to his current mistress… but you get the idea.
At least, that is the way it used to be.  Now, higher education will be funded by how many students we graduate.  Not necessarily educate--just get out the damn door robed, capped, and brandishing a diploma they may not be able to read.   Trust me, if we get paid for every student who leaves a classroom, regardless of what they learn while actually in the classroom, the administration will remove desks to discourage loitering.

Even as I was thinking that our educational ship was sinking, the radio suddenly announced that another Costa cruise line ship had failed to reach its intended port.  The poor cruise line companies may have trouble filling their ships for a while.  That’s when I had the inspiration!  Let cruise ship lines run the university.  If the state wants to sell a 4 year passage through the campus, even an Italian cruise line could do that better than a bunch of academics.
If you think about it, most of the campus buildings could easily be converted to resemble a cruise ship experience.  We have a pool and lots of dining areas, and the library would be a great place to have a book club after we clear out most of those ugly bookshelves.

I can just picture the advertising:

A campus full of possibilities makes the perfect retreat!  Throughout your four year stay, whether you love activity or crave tranquility, the University of Carnival Royal American Princess offers everything you could need for a relaxing, rejuvenating retreat, including a wide variety of freshly prepared cuisine and innovative experiences all designed to help you escape completely.
Fresh, flavorful cuisine cooked with passion and care.  At any hour, wherever you go on your University of Carnival Royal American Princess campus, our chefs are busy baking, grilling and sautéing the ingredients of your next meal. Bread and pastries are baked fresh three times a day, and sauces are prepared by hand.
We have Dining Options to match any mood!  On tonight's menu? A signature U of CRAP pasta – served with freshly-prepared sauces. Or perhaps grilled halibut, perfectly complimented by a chilled glass of chardonnay.  Another night, it could be homemade Italian pizza by the pool. That's the beauty of dining at U of CRAP-–there's always something to match whatever your mood might be.
And you never need cash—just charge it to your prepaid CRAP Card®!
As a student, you have your choice of Anytime or Traditional Dining!  A sumptuous variety of dining options awaits you on every voyage. University of Carnival Royal American Princess offers you the choice of Traditional Dining with fixed time and seating, or Anytime Dining with the flexibility to dine when and with whom you choose.
Campus Activities?  Find your passion. Take a class on cooking, ceramics, photography and more. Shop our duty-free liquor store or log on to the web with your complementary iPad—preloaded with textbooks if you wish to read them. For something physical, take an exercise class at the gym, practice your putt on the green, or get a massage at the spa. It's all here, exclusively at University of Carnival Royal American Princess.
There are endless ways to spend your days at U of CRAP. Even if you never leave the campus, you can always find something new to do.  Visit our boutiques: we have had years of experience selling T-shirts, sweats, and hand bags.  Designer brands and duty-free combine for a great shopping experience. Plus, get great college promos on jewelry, T-shirts and souvenirs to match your major.  We are more than ready to sell you CRAP merchandise.
Our multi-million dollar Arts Center has what you want in entertainment!  Movies, music, shows, and plays!  Want something more relaxing?  Get pampered from head to toe for an hour of bliss or the entire day. Or spend some time limbering up with a personal trainer in our world-class gyms.  We even have an indoor equestrian center!
Cards, Bingo, slots and more!  Whether you've got a favorite game or you're just a beginner, everyone is welcome when the chips are down. We have partnered with a nearby Native American reservation to bring you the finest gambling experience while earning a degree in Anthropology with a concentration in Native American Studies.  Advanced students can qualify for a B. S. in Statistics.
And forget those quaint old dorm rooms.  At University of Carnival Royal American Princess, you can book a luxury suite.  Queen-size bed.  Separate sitting room with convertible double sofa bed and dining area. Large balcony.  Two televisions.  Personal computer.  Refrigerator and wet bar.  Walk-in closet.  Bathroom with corner tub (equipped with whirlpool jets) and multi-directional brass-fitting shower.  Aproximately 1,329 square feet, including balcony.
All this may seem a little radical, but why not?  Even Costa Cruise Lines couldn’t put Enema U aground as fast as the state legislature.

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