Saturday, May 5, 2012

News From Enema U

It has been a busy month at Enema U.  As the semester ends almost as slowly as a faculty meeting, the Administration has waited until the last few weeks to make several important announcements.  All year long, the powers-That-Be are about as impetuous as a stalagtite, then at the end of the school year, they suddenly wake up.  This is the safest time of the year to make such announcements as most of the faculty is too busy meeting with frantic students answering their desperate questions:

Q.  What do I have to do to get an ‘A’ in this course?

A.   Pray your professor develops amnesia.

Q.  Will the book be on the test?

A.   No.  Unfortunately, none of the textbooks I wanted was available on Kindle, so no one actually bought them.

Q.  What do I have to do to get an ‘A’ in this course?

A.   Invent a time machine, go back about 25 years and introduce your mother to smarter men.

Q.   You teach Mexican history; can you tell me what Cinco de Mayo is all about?

A.   Many years ago, in Mexico City, the Cananea Consolidated Condiment Company exploited the poor Mexican workers, forcing them to labor long hours for small pay.  Every day, the workers would earnestly pray that God would smite the evil Yanqui-owned company.  One day, following a violent earthquake, a giant hole in the ground opened up and swallowed the company’s warehouse.  Even today, tourists gather to stare down into the mayonnaise-filled sinkhole.

Q.   Why did you give me an ‘F’?

A.   I don’t give grades, you earn them.  If I had grades to give away, I would reserve them for the living.

STOP.  Enema U has reached the ultimate in “Distance Education” with the announcement of STOP, a new “Self-Taught Online Program”.  As we all know, the real obstacle to learning is always the professor.  It was bad enough in the old days, when a student was actually required to attend class, attempt to sleep at uncomfortable classroom desks, try to find at least one book in the library that had not been previously colored in by the football team, and ignore the pedantic old fool at the front of the room droning on about something so boring it couldn’t even make YouTube. 

You would think that online classes would have been better, but unfortunately, the professors still posted lectures, notes, and PowerPoint slides—BORING!  Obviously, the problem was still the professor.  Now, with the new STOP system, after the student’s tuition check clears the bank, the Registrar’s office will email each student a specially prepared list of study topics for the student to Google. 

The STOP system has several related benefits.  For every ten professors eliminated from the faculty, Enema U will be able to hire an additional basketball coach.  All of the janitorial staff agrees that the buildings are much easier to keep clean now that no one goes into them.  Several classroom buildings are being remodeled to handle the expected increase in administration personnel.

WIC.  Enema U’s athletic program has decided to remain in the Western Idiotic Conference, even though with the recent departure of the Olympian College of Cosmetology the only remaining member of the conference is the Idaho Academy of Sheep Rustlers.  Only a few years ago, we ponied up several million dollars to join this conference, and have transferred over $4 million dollars every year from academics to athletics since we joined.  Now we find ourselves pretty much alone at the party.  And our date is ugly.

Wait!  There is a method to this madness.  Enema U has worked out a deal with the Sheep Rustlers whereby we will each win the football conference every other year.  In the off years, we will each win the basketball conference.

Even in the years where we don’t win the title, we can still tell the alumni that we came in second while the Sheep Rustlers came in next to last.  Alumni will believe anything and still give money.

SALARY RAISES.  The state legislature has generously given the university faculty and staff their first pay raise in almost 5 years.  Exactly how much of an increase was a difficult decision for the state legislature, but they finally granted us a 2% raise.  Then they raised the tuition on the students and told them it was to pay for the faculty raises.  I don’t think the students believe this, since their tuition goes up every year, but it’s nice to know the administration wants the students to think of us from time to time.

Everyone is getting a cost of living increase of 1%.  The administration has already used up all the other bigger numbers raising our parking fees, retirement contributions, and insurance premiums.  (We still get a special price on season tickets for sporting events—it’s only slightly higher than season tickets for the general public.)

The other 1% will be divided up among the faculty and staff.  While several plans were discussed, eventually it was decided that the most equitable method of distribution was by Scavenger Hunt.  All the employees will be divided into teams and given a list of items to locate.  First successful group back gets the raise.

Unfortunately, here is the list:

  •    A graduating football player
  •    An academic department that can recite from memory its mission statement
  •    A best-selling academic publication
  •    An edible cafeteria meal (food from the athletic dining room not allowed)
  •    A graduating Liberal Arts student who has found a job in his major


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