The Semester Ends With Student Distress

There is an old and probably apocryphal story about a professor addressing his class.  “Your final exam is scheduled for tomorrow at 9:00 AM.  All of you must attend.  There is absolutely no possible excuse for missing the test.”

From the back of the auditorium, a student asked, “What about sexual exhaustion?”

The professor answered, “In that case, you could still take the test with your other hand.”

The semester is over at Enema U.  In many ways, this is a relief.  I like my students, I love my classes, but you have no idea how peaceful the town has become.  With umpty thousand students having left for home, the average age of the town has probably doubled.  Listen!  I don’t hear a single car driving down the street at twice the speed limit--and it will stay that way until the next batch of donuts comes out of the fryer and the local cops race to Dunkin’ Donuts.

The last two weeks were somewhat painful for some students as they tried desperately to finish a term paper, assigned months ago, that was shortly due.  It is incredibly painful when you start the term paper 24 hours before it is due.  One of my students even documented the pain on Facebook.

An exchange like the one shown must make a lot of students rethink the whole idea of “friending” their professor.

I cannot tell you how many emails I have from students wanting to know why they got a C in my class.  Most of them say something along the lines of, “I did the math, and my grades average out to an ‘A-.  Why did you give me a C-in your history class?”

Usually, I write back with something along the lines of, “While you obviously deserve a C- in Math, I only teach History.”

My favorite anxiety story this semester involves a student who sent me an urgent email two hours  before the final exam.

Dear Professor

I am in your 343 History class and I will be taking your test this morning at 8am.  I’m assuming the spicy salsa I ate from the school cafeteria is responsible for my frequent burning bowel movements.  With that being said I was wondering if one of those movements are to occur during the test would I be allowed to leave the classroom?  What should I do?  Signed, distressed student.

It just so happened that I was awake and reading my email.  I immediately answered.

Dear Distressed:

This, too, shall pass.  You, however, may not, if you miss the final.  Sit by the door and do what you have to do.