In a time so long ago that there were three television
networks, most Americans trusted their president, and I traveled exclusively in
the back seat of my father’s Oldsmobile, I remember standing up in the back
seat of that car and playing the “License Plate Game” with my brother. We would look for out of state plates and the
very rare foreign car—while we had not yet heard of Toyota or Nissan, occasionally
we would see a Volkswagen. And I
remember seeing lots of government vehicles.
Government vehicles came in two flavors: either they were olive
colored Army Jeeps and huge 4x6 trucks or Chrysler sedans for what we still
quaintly called civil servants. Those
Chrysler sedans were modestly inexpensive, and plain. Hell, they rarely had air conditioners and almost
all of them were either hospital green or khaki brown. I asked my dad why the government bought all
their cars from Chrysler. “Because they
last forever,” he said. “They rarely
break down, and they are easy to repair.” I can remember wondering why we owned an
Oldsmobile if Chryslers were so good.
Actually, for the time, those Chryslers weren’t bad
cars. The only real quirk with them was the
weird lug nuts on the right-hand wheels.
Chrysler reasoned that since the right-hand wheels were rotating in the
same direction as the threads on the lug nuts, eventually, the vibration would
loosen the nuts and the wheel might fall off.
So, Chrysler reversed the threads on the nuts on the right side of the
car. In the case of a flat tire, if you
didn’t know this, you could heave on that tire wrench until your vision turned
black and your intestines were lying on the side of the road, but that nut
wouldn’t budge. Tens of thousands of
people learned this bit of automotive trivia the hard way. (One of those was my son, What’s-His-Name,
not The-Other-One. I bought him an old
Jeep when he was 16. While trying to do
a brake job, the poor kid worked half an hour trying to remove a wheel before I
suddenly remembered to tell him about those reverse threads.)
Eventually, Chrysler noticed that Fords and Chevrolets weren’t
littering the ditches of every highway in America and stopped manufacturing
those reverse thread nuts and bolts.
Then for years, tens of thousands of people gave themselves a rupture
because they hadn’t learned that Chrysler had made the change. It’s a wonder that Chrysler isn’t a slang
word for hernia.
Still, for government vehicles, those Jeeps and Chrysler
sedans were wonderful. They didn’t cost
much, were built tough, economical, and easy to repair. A mechanic with a screwdriver and a half-inch
wrench could disassemble the entire engine.
I think the only nut under the hood bigger than a half inch was the
engine mount. I’m not a mechanical
genius, but even I could rebuild the transmission on a Jeep—just stack the
gears so the biggest ones are on the bottom and the little ones are on top.
Unfortunately, this is not the way our government buys
vehicles today. Now, I could be wrong (there’s
always a first time for everything), but it seems to me that the average
federal vehicle today is a four wheel drive Suburban being driven by a petite
woman. Where the hell is she going that
she needs to drive a three ton truck with seats for 8? And if you see them get out of this massive
four wheel drive truck at a gas station—this land yacht drinks gasoline faster
than grad students quaff beer—she is invariably wearing high heels. I would be willing to bet this woman has
never driven off road in her life.
In the last few weeks, I have noticed a new trend: the
federal government has started to buy Jeeps again. Not for the Army--they use incredibly expensive
Humvees that evidently aren’t suitable for combat. Why this is an improvement is probably a
military top secret. No, for the
transportation needs of the office-bound bureaucrat, the government is now purchasing
those new 4-door Jeeps that look like giant station wagons. While the original Jeep was small, versatile,
and cheap, the new 4-door version is an expensive boxy car suitable for soccer
moms who couldn’t quite afford a Lexus. These
vehicles are big, heavy, and designed for the rugged challenges of a slightly
muddy mall parking lot.
Government vehicles aren’t cheap anymore, either to purchase
or operate--and I don’t see many old government vehicles on the road. They all seem to be built in the last few
years and to have cost more than the average civilian vehicle.
When did our civil servants become our public masters? Does cost no longer matter to anyone but the
poor taxpayer? Even as our masters drive
to work in air-conditioned luxury, they are busily designing public transportation
systems for every community larger than a highway truck stop. Even my home town has a shiny new public bus
system. Every day, I see the buses
driving around town with about a maximum load of 5 passengers. There is no way that bus system is earning
enough money to pay for the fuel they use, much less the cost of running a
fleet of modern buses.
I have a small suggestion.
Let’s take the name of every poor taxpayer riding around in those nearly
empty buses and give them one of those government Suburbans and 4-door Jeeps. The reduced cost of maintenance and operation
will be enormous.
Then force the bureaucrats to ride the bus system.
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Normally, I would never force comments to be moderated. However, in the last month, Russian hackers have added hundreds of bogus comments, most of which either talk about Ukraine or try to sell some crappy product. As soon as they stop, I'll turn this nonsense off.