Saturday, June 15, 2013

Baptists Don't Play Well With Others

Once again, the Boob Scouts are in the news.  Well, no, actually, it is the Southern Baptist Bumpkins and their adverse reaction to the recent decision of the Boob Scouts  to allow gay scouts into the canoe.  Of course, once those kids get a little older, you have to throw them out of the boat and take away their paddles.  The Scouts won't let in gay Scoutmasters, but the Baptists know this compromise isn't good enough.  They have already decided not to play, and have folded up their campfire and gone home.

Well, who can blame them?  Once you let gay kids put inside the pup tent, it's only a matter of time before there is a rainbow merit badge for a gay pride parade.  

The leadership at the Southern Baptist Convention are taking an active stance against this inclusion.  They have taken half the Baptists with science degrees---that would be four---off of watching old reruns of the Flintstones in hope of discovering new ways to debunk evolution, and reassigned them to a new emergency project: trying to isolate homo cooties.

In the meantime, they are starting their own "Christian Boys Club" that will
exclude all gay people of any age.  Is it just me, or does the act of excluding children sound about as un-Christian as letting loose a pack of hungry wolves on a daycare center?  Let's give this idea the acid test: try to think for 30 seconds straight about a Christian Boys Club run by the Baptist Church that excludes the "wrong type of boy" without once thinking about the Hitler Youth Group.  Go ahead...try it.  I'll just sit here, quietly humming the Horst Wessel Song while you're busy.   (I wonder what the new oath will be like?  And the salute?  Nah.  They wouldn't.  Would they?)

All of this is a little confusing to me!  If a homosexual lifestyle is a choice, then you would think that the Baptists would welcome "sinners" into their fold, in order to lead them "straight" by example.  After all, in Matthew 28:18-20 didn't Christ exhort his disciples to become "fishers of men" in order to spread his word?  (I'd double check that if I were you.  As Shakespeare said, "the devil can cite scripture for his own purpose.)  If I were dragging a net for sinners, I wouldn't do it in a desert: I'd pick a target-rich environment.

Obviously, the Baptists don't want to do that, which implies that homosexuality is not a choice but an uncontrollable, inherently God-made trait.  But why would God do that?

I have a theory: God is bipolar.  Think about it: what else would explain a platypus?  Or the people in MallWart?  On his good days, God created coral reefs, forests and the fjords of Norway.*   His bad days resulted in volcanos, swamps, and Oklahoma.

Until all of this is figured out, perhaps the Baptists should exercise a little humility and/or  not be so convinced they completely understand God or his will.  As a group, the Baptists have been on the wrong side of important social issues for over a hundred years.  Whether it was slavery, civil rights, feminism, evolution, global warming or just enjoying a cold beer on a hot day, the Baptists have always seemed to be championing the side of stupidity.  It is really hard to learn anything if you stop asking questions in the belief you already know all the answers.

This reminds me of an old story that hasn't happened yet.  The college of cardinals were sitting around a large table waiting for the pontiff.  The door opened and the pope trudged in with his shoulders stooped, staring at the ground.

"Santa Merda," exclaimed the pope as he put his elbows on the table and sank his forehead into his hands.

"What's the matter?" asked the concerned cardinals.

"Christ has risen!  The second coming is now! " said the pontiff.  "Christ just telephoned me!"

"That's fantastic!" shouted the assembled cardinals as they jumped to their feet.  "But, why are you so sad?"

The pope slowly lifted his ashen face from his palms and spoke slowly, "It was a collect call.  And she was calling from Salt Lake City."

*According to the preeminent Bible scholar, the Right Reverend Adams, when the Norwegian fjords were created, God had help from Slartibartfast.

1 comment:

  1. I came out of this environment, so it's hard to read about it now and realize that for all of my vaunted experience and knowledge of that mindset, I'm equally cognizant of my inability to argue with any of them against it. It's a closed loop, self-referencing and immune to logical argument. People who disagree are viewed as unfortunate souls who are being lead by the nose by The Enemy "seeking whom he may devour". "Time to circle the wagons, boys, 'cause those man-lovers and their supporters are going to find any way they can to attack us. " Not quite as bad as WBC, I suppose, but sad just the same. (Substitute "n**ger lovers" and see if that doesn't sound familiar).

    That said - I LOVED your joke at the end.