It seems
the "President" of Syria has jumped the shark and started to use
poison gas on his own people. The Assad
family first seized control of Syria more than 40 years ago and has no
intention of relinquishing power as long as it has one citizen left it can
murder in the name of stability.
Using
chemical weapons on your own people is an offense that must be punished. The only
problem is that the only real opposition in Syria to the murderous bastard
president is the Muslim Brotherhood--an entire bucketload of murderous bastards
who hate the United States. While
personally, I would advocate that America enjoy a cold one and do nothing but
watch the carnage until there was no one left, evidently, our government feels
the need to deliver a message to Syria.
I like
the US military, but I think it does a poor job as a postal service. In my opinion, trying to communicate with
crazy people by bombing them will work about as well as baptizing a cat.
About a
century and a half ago, Queen Victoria had a similar problem with the looney
leader of Bolivia, General Mariano Melgarejo.
General Melgarejo had seized power just a few years before.
While a crowd was gathered in the square in front of the Palace of
Government to chant "vivas" to the former leader, Melgarejo came out
onto the balcony, dragging the freshly murdered
corpse of the president, while
proclaiming, "The president is dead!
Who Lives Now?"
The
assembled crowd promptly--and wisely--began chanting, "Viva
Melgarejo!"
As dictator,
Melgarejo was ignorant, brutal, and crazy--the hat trick of bad
leadership. When Brazil sent a peace
offering of a beautiful horse, he had the animal stand on a large map of
Bolivia while he traced a line around the horse's hoof. All the land enclosed within the circle was
given to Brazil as a reciprocal gift.
When told about the story about Caligula's making his horse a general,
Melgarejo promptly made his horse a general in the Bolivian army.
General
Melgarejo admired the French--mostly because he didn't know any. When he heard that the Prussians were
attacking France, the dictator ordered the entire Bolivian army to be sent to
defend Paris. When one of the dictator's
two-legged generals tried to explain the problem of crossing the Atlantic
Ocean, Melgarejo exclaimed, "Don't be stupid! We will take a short cut through the
brush!"
In 1870,
General Melgarejo held a banquet to honor his new mistress. When a British diplomat was offered a glass
of chicha, he politely refused and said he preferred chocolate. Obviously, the diplomat knew that chicha is
made by partially chewing corn kernels, then spitting them into a jug to allow
the fermentation process to start. (The
saliva helps break down the starch.)
Infuriated
by the snub, the dictator forced the diplomat to drink an enormous amount of
chocolate, then tied the poor man to a donkey and paraded him through the
streets of La Paz. When the embarrassed
diplomat returned to England, he promptly complained to Queen Victoria. The queen, showing only a little more
understanding of geography than the dictator, promptly demanded that warships
be sent to Bolivia--only to learn from the Prime Minister that Bolivia was
landlocked and had no coast.
This may
be a good point in the story to admit that much of this story--like a lot of
Latin American history--has a fairly high concentration of bullshit. Who knows how much of this is really
true? I can tell you, however, that
Bolivia is one of the few countries on the planet that Great Britain has not
invaded. On the map above, the countries
in white are those that have not (yet) been invaded by Great Britain.
Furious,
Queen Victoria ordered a map to be brought to her. Studying the map, she quickly located Bolivia
and drew a large inky 'X' across the country with her pen.
"Bolivia,"
the queen announced imperiously, "does not exist."
As far as
I am concerned, this is as good a message to President Assad as bombing a few
civilians who already hate us.
Well now - that was a fun read. The only way I knew the Queen Vicky part was untrue is that it's a known fact that Her Majesty, while a pretty nice girl, really didn't have a lot to say.
ReplyDeleteWell, you can imagine her saying it. It's easy if you try.
ReplyDeleteAs with the Bible and Shakespeare, there is, one notes, an appropriate Beatles lyric for almost any occasion.
ReplyDeleteBut a Supertramp lyric is still one of my favorites: Some they do, and some they don't, and some you just can't tell. Some they will, and some they won't, and some it's just as well.