Cruise ship companies are taking it on the chin these days. Either the ship runs aground, it catches
fire, or the entire vessel turns into some form of weird science experiment
where half the passengers are stuck in the head while the other half are hanging
over the railing. I don't remember a
single episode of the The Love Boat where the ship turned into the SS
Barfetorium, so this must be a recent improvement in tourist
accommodations.
Frankly, I don't understand the desire to go on cruises. By the second day, you are so bored that you
either spend all your time at the all-you-swill buffet, or go shopping in a
miniature version of Wal-Mart. Sure,
there is entertainment, but do you really want to trust a week of your life to
the same kind of people who thought up daytime television shows?
Ted, a cousin of mine (Actually, he's my brother's
brother-in-law, but I'm from the south and any relation--no matter how distant--rates
at least the status of cousin.), just booked one of those nightmare
cruises. They were supposed to leave
from Texas City for a week-long cruise along the Mexican Coast. Instead, after they boarded, a barge
collision in the ship channel recreated a scale model of the Exxon Valdez
disaster: it dumped enough oil in the
bay that ships were neither allowed into nor out of port until the mess was
cleaned up.
Ted and his wife spent the next four days stuck on a
ship-to-quite-literally-nowhere. No
destination ports, no outdoor activities due to the cold weather, and no
beautiful scenery. As a matter of fact,
Ted could go out onto his luxurious private balcony and have a majestic view of
his parked pickup (a pickup that the ship would not let him visit, since the
captain wouldn't let anyone depart the ship).
Ted had been shanghaied.
Taking a ship out of Texas City is not exactly what I would call
a lucky omen. In 1947, the SS Grandcamp
loaded with 2300 tons of ammonium nitrate exploded. When the Grandcamp exploded, it took
out the nearby SS High Flyer, similarly loaded. When these two ships detonated, it was the
largest non-nuclear explosion in history at that time. The Grandcamp's anchor was blown over
a mile and a half away. Taking a cruise
ship from this location is the karmic equivalent of taking sail on a ship named
after the Titanic.
On the fourth day, fearing a giant mutiny, the captain relented
and ordered the press gang to allow the prisoners to escape. Given a full refund, Ted and his wife fled to
their truck. They also got a coupon good
for 25% off their next cruise on the SS No Damn Way. I get the general impression that Ted is a
little less than impressed with the Royal Norwegian Princess Line.
Cruise ship lines have had nothing but bad luck
lately. The Russian liner Lyubov
Orlova broke free as it was being towed across the Atlantic to be
scrapped. For roughly a year, it
wandered aimlessly, crewed by a horde of diseased cannibalistic rats. I say roughly because no one knows what has
happened to the ghost ship. Popular
theories are that it either sank in February or that it is being blown ever
closer to Ireland. Personally, I think
it is on its way to Texas City. It
should be ready in time for Ted's next cruise.
All of this bad press has given me an idea. Since it is getting harder and harder for the
cruise lines to fill their ships, it shouldn't be too expensive to acquire one
for use as a great floating location for a reality television show. Sort of a Survivor meets Love Boat meets
Gilligan's Island. This will
definitely be a winner-takes-all show.
And since times are so tough, each season can easily start with a new
ship.
This is not a stupid idea when you compare it with all the other
reality shows. I would much rather watch
the passengers of a doomed ship fight to survive a germ-infested salad bar than
an episode of Amish Mafia.
(Originally, the show was going to be about Baptist Scientists,
but focus groups didn't find that believable enough.)
There is almost an endless supply of challenges for the
cast. Can you still fit into your life
preserver after two weeks at the buffet? Will you succumb to the mysterious stomach flu that seems to be coming from the ship's water? How many newlywed husbands will throw their spouses overboard for the
insurance? Can you escape the man-eating
rats before the hepatitis you picked up on the last excursion sets in?
Then, at the season finale, we let Captain Schettino (of Costa
Concordia fame) run the ship up onto the rocks while the cast scrambles
for an inadequate number of lifeboats.
Survivors who can't find room in the lifeboats are forced to swim for
shore past specially imported Australian tiger sharks.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Normally, I would never force comments to be moderated. However, in the last month, Russian hackers have added hundreds of bogus comments, most of which either talk about Ukraine or try to sell some crappy product. As soon as they stop, I'll turn this nonsense off.