Saturday, March 15, 2014

Politicians Out of Control

Politicians have been in the news again for acting like drug-crazed fools.  No, actually, they weren't acting.

In recent months we have had the arrest of another congressman who, while eager to control your life, has no idea how to control his own.  If you are a conservative congressman from Florida, some might think it foolish of you to risk your career by messing with cocaine.  Being arrested in possession might even sound like risky behavior to some.  If your district is conservative enough to elect you, they probably won't understand when you are accused of using cocaine in the capitol building.

On the other hand, some might say that the worst criminal penalty you can get is only 180 days in jail.  That's not too bad considering you've already been sentenced to two years in Congress. ex-cons have more social respect than congressmen.  As it turned out, this particular hypocrite only got probation.

And we have a Canadian mayor who seems to have either snorted or eaten a drug mule.  All things considered, I sort of like this mayor.  It is enjoyable to watch the antics of a drug-sotted plutocrat while remaining smugly confident it is not your country going to Hell.  This is probably the same feeling that Canadians have enjoyed ever since Watergate. 

God knows, in my youth, I may have inhaled once or twice and at times, I may have consumed more alcoholic beverages than were prudent.  But, I have never run for political office on a family values plank or called for stiffer penalties for drug use, all the while having my local dealer's cell number on my speed dial. 

One of the nice things about alcohol is that--unless you are the pope--you can stand on your front porch with a martini in your left hand while using your right hand to shoot the finger at photographers and not much will happen.  (Hell, you can probably do it bare beam and buck naked and get away with it.)

However, if you are the mayor of Toronto, or the conservative congressman from Florida, you will not get away with cocaine.  There was a bargain you made when you decided to run for an elected position:  For as long as you hold public office, you have to show the self-restraint we expect from anyone over the age of nine.  Honestly, we can't put the expectations any lower. 

If you cannot refrain from using a drug that will absolutely ruin your career, end your marriage, and may possibly have you sharing a cell with several large, angry men who, most assuredly, did not vote for you, then it is time for you to voluntarily check in to one of  those happy homes for the criminally stupid, where you can beg for treatment.  If all else fails, ask for treatment that employs a cattle prod and a flaming bull whip--whatever the Hell it takes for you to kick the habit.  Scream at the staff daily, "For God sakes, stop me before I dumb ass again!"

Sure it will be expensive--even the drive-up window at such posh places like the Betty Ford Self-Abuse Resort and Gift Shop will cost a fortune--but compare this cost with your eventual legal bills and then throw in the cost of the divorce, including the inevitability that your ex-wife will get the house, your savings, and half your pension.   (To say nothing of the embarrassment you will suffer when your former spouse gets a seven figure book contract for a bestseller that will leave you sounding like the pervert who was arrested while sniffing bicycle seats at the local elementary school!)

Barring that, would you please go live in Canada?

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