The Feral Administrator Program

The campus of Enema U is under assault--we are in danger of being drowned by a tidal wave of administrators.  While they were never rare on campus, it was possible for a few weeks to pass without sighting an administrator on campus.  Occasionally, a vice-president could be spotted gently grazing in a coffee shop, or standing in the shade outside the Alumni Office.  While it was never easy to accurately determine the size of the herd, estimates of the population size were never higher than a few dozen breeding pairs.  

Sadly, those days of benign neglect are over.  Several factors led to the sudden over population. First, and perhaps the worst mistake, was when the university introduced a new major--a Bachelor’s Degree in University Administration.  After the success of the Golf Course Management program, perhaps this was an innocent mistake.  Unfortunately, this new program was not established under the School of Agriculture, where such ideas as selective breeding and culling the herd are widely understood and practiced; the new major was mistakenly also given to the Athletic Program.   

The new program began well, but soon (possibly due to low entrance requirements) there were simply too many majors.  In an attempt to reduce the size of the program (and in keeping with the best hiring practices of Administrators at Enema U) only students from other universities were allowed to apply to the program. 

Sadly, the administration population grew exponentially.  While no one knows exactly what the gestation period is for bureaucrats, according to one professor of Biology, it is entirely possible that administrators are born pregnant.

Today, it is practically impossible to cross the campus without sighting small herds of Executive Vice-Presidents or Assistant Associate Provosts.  At events such as convocations, the lowing of these administrators is deafening.  Worse, the campus is littered with their spoor--memos and reports can be seen everywhere, as ubiquitous as tumbleweeds in the breeze.

As an example of the problem, can you determine which of the following is not a real job title at Enema U?

a.  Senior Vice President of Research Integrity

b.  Dean of Student Articulation

c.  Dean of Student Success

d.  Vice President of Student Affairs

e.  Graduate School Mascot Handler

f.   Senior Vice President of Redundancy

g.  Executive Vice President of Redundancy

h.  None of the above

i.   Before e except after c.  Weird!

Sadly, the answer is h.  The problem is so severe, that it has been turned over to a new Vice President of Special Problems.  An investigation is under way at all levels and a report should reach us shortly.

In the mean time, I have a suggestion.  The university has for years operated a successful program to handle a similar problem: the Feral Cat Program.  Periodically, cats on campus are humanely trapped and taken to veterinarians, who vaccinate and neuter the animals.  Then, so the cats in the program can be recognized, the top of one ear is clipped.  Afterwards, the cat is released back on the campus.

Surely, this program would work equally well with our feral administrators.