Saturday, January 14, 2012

If Nominated, I Will Not Run

I am very sorry to announce that I am not running for president.  While I have no doubt that most of you will be severely disappointed at this news, I have no choice.  It is my wife’s fault.

Evidently, I will never be able to run for political office.  No matter how much I might want to,  it appears that I do not have the right kind of wife to be a politician.

Herman Cain is just the latest in a very long line of politicians who have cheated on their wives (with partners ranging from chubby file clerks to farm animals) yet they still somehow want the voters to trust them enough to give them the most important job in America.  During the Clinton impeachment fiasco, my eldest son once asked me, “If his wife can’t trust him, why should we?”

Actually, I’m not all that surprised.  I have always taken it for granted that the most powerful man in the world could probably get laid.  All things considered, this is probably a good thing.  I think we can all agree that we don’t want the most powerful man in the world (the man whose finger hovers over the nuclear button) to get… anxious.

I understand the powerful men believing they can ignore social conventions.  I can even understand these men believing that somehow their peccadillos won’t be discovered even as they undergo a very public anal exam by the press.  But where in the world do these politicians   find wives who will allow them to do such nonsense and then still stand by them on a podium, hand in hand, and pretend to smile lovingly at their scumbag husbands.

Herman Cain, after his ten year affair was exposed, somehow stood in public--with his wife--and made a public apology that miraculously managed to make it sound as if it was the press that was at fault.  What was it that Cain said?  "I am at peace with my wife."

Christ on a Popsicle stick!  If my mistress of ten years came forward and outed me in the national press, I would be in pieces with my wife.  The last words I would hear from my wife, as she stood over my bleeding body, would be:  "How do you reload this son of a bitch?"

Even with the use of strong drugs, if my wife stood behind me during such a press conference, it would be so she could keep carving my spinal column into spaghetti-o's with a dull spoon.  I simply do not believe my wife would allow herself to be humiliated that way.

More importantly, why would any man want to subject his wife to such public ridicule?

Perhaps more importantly, why are we far more interested in how a politician treats his mistress than how he treats his wife?

Evidently, to be a good politician, you have to be a lying cheating scumbag.  My wife, the Doc, reminds me frequently that she knows “where the hurty parts are.”  I think I’ll pass.

1 comment:

  1. Mark
    One of your best ones yet!!! Yeah for being a great guy.