Tale of a Tailgate

The two old cowboys were finishing off lunch at the Buckhorn Cafe.  The older the two men got, the longer they took to finish their meals.  Lately, there seemed to be only a brief work intermission between their extended breakfasts and their lengthy lunches.  Mary Lou, the waitress, was thinking of charging them rent.

This morning, the two ranchers had been quietly arguing for about ten minutes.  As she refilled their coffee cups, she asked, “What’s got you two excited this morning?”

Mike took a long sip of his coffee and answered, “Kent here bought himself a new pickup, and if it wasn’t bad enough that he bought a Chevy, now he’s driving around town like an idiot with the tailgate down.”

“It gets better gas mileage that way, something you’d know about if you didn't drive a Ford,” said Kent.

“Not that again,” said the waitress.  “I’ve heard more arguments about Fords and Chevrolets than about politics.  I would have thought you boys would have settled this by now.”

“It has been settled,” Mike said.  “For over eighty years, Ford has made a better vehicle than Chevrolet.  Why even Bonnie and Clyde said they’d rather steal a Ford than any other car.”

“Nonsense,” Kent snorted.

Neither of the two ranchers noticed as Mary Lou walked off, shaking her head because she’d heard all of this before.

“You can read it yourself.  Clyde wrote Henry Ford a letter praising his cars.  Clyde said he only wanted to steal the best.  You can read the letter yourself, since Ford had it published in the newspapers as an advertisement.”

“Yeah,” retorted Kent.  “And Fords have cost more to insure ever since.”

“That has nothing to do with it.  They made Fords in Mexico, so car thieves used to steal more of them here in Texas to sell as parts south of the border.  Now that they have Chevrolets in Mexico the insurance costs the same.  Not that it would matter to you—nobody’s gonna steal a truck without a tailgate.”

“Ford,” said Kent.  “Fix Or Repair Daily.”

“Chevy,” answered Mike.  “Charged Heavily.”

The two old ranchers were still arguing when the local deputy sheriff came in for lunch and helped himself to a chair at their table.

“What’s the argument today, boys?”

“Same old thing, whether it's better to drive your pickup truck with the tailgate up or down,” said Kent.  “Bob, this stubborn old mule just won’t admit the logic of anything you do to reduce wind resistance is going to increase your gas mileage.”

“You can quit arguing, that’s been settled,” Bod said.

“How so?” asked Mike.

“Think about it,” said Bob.  “You know how the government is pushing the car companies to sell cars with better gas mileage.  Washington won’t be happy until we all drive golf carts with little lawn mower engines.  Hell, if driving a pickup with the tailgate down gave you better gas mileage, Detroit wouldn’t sell a truck with one.”

Not convinced, Kent said, “Bob, that doesn’t prove anything.  Maybe it's on there for safety reasons.  Like those stupid plastic bumpers cars come with.”

“You have to admit those idiot safety bumpers are stupid,” Mike agreed.  “They protect you from a 3 mph accident and get completely destroyed at 5 mph.  Then they cost five grand to replace.”

Bob waved at Mary Lou, then pointed first to Mike’s coffee cup and then to himself.  When the waitress smiled and nodded her head, the deputy turned back to the two old ranchers.

“The tailgate controversy is settled.  Both the highway department and the car manufacturers have researched it and there is no doubt.  You get better mileage with the tailgate up.”

“See!  I told you!” crowed Mike.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Kent.

“You ever notice how leaves and trash left in the bed of your pickup truck always slides forward and collects under the cab window?”

Both of the ranchers nodded their heads.

“Well,” the deputy continued.  “As you drive, air circulates in a giant circular bubble in the bed of your truck, air coming over the top of the truck slides off the top of this air bubble.  If you lower the tailgate, the bubble can’t circulate and the air coming over the top of the truck actually pushes down on the truck bed, which slows down the truck and makes it use more gas.  It’s as simple as that.”

“Is that real?” asked Kent.

“Yep,” said Bob.  “According to the highway department, it’s somewhere between 5 and 8% difference in gas mileage.  And it doesn’t work any better for those tailgates made of netting.”

Kent didn’t want to admit that Mike might be right, so he tried one last time to find a loophole.

“Are you sure that’s right?” he asked.

As he stirred sugar into the coffee the waitress had brought him, Bob looked a little embarrassed.

“I didn’t believe it myself when we got the highway department flyer, so I tested it.  I drove two weeks with my tailgate up, refilled the tank and drove for two more weeks with the tailgate down.  After I figured out the gas mileage, there was a clear advantage for leaving the tailgate up.”

“Bob, I didn’t know you had a truck,” Mike said.  “I’ve only seen you in your squad car.  What do you drive?”

“A Dodge Ram,” said the deputy.  “Best truck in America!"